It Was a Foothold Situation!
by Torquelith
Summary: What happens when every writer's imagination works? This is a tongue-in-cheek parody of all the SG-1 fan-fiction plot bunnies out there. I started to laugh one day and had to put it on paper computer . Hope it lightens your day and gives you a laugh too!


**It Was A Foothold Situation!**

_by Torquelith and Mara-DragonMaster_

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It was a foothold situation. Never before had it been this serious. Daniel rushed into the conference room.

"We've been infiltrated throughout the base sir! As quickly as we eliminate the threat, another fan-fiction writer warps our reality! Whatever can we do?" Daniel fell dramatically into his chair and took a large swig from his hot black coffee. He looked down in disgust. It was Earl Grey tea.

There was a small post-it note stuck to the side of the cup. "For my Daniel, love, Mary-Sue". He crunched it into a ball and threw it. "We have to stop them." He gritted.

"Indeed, Daniel Jackson. They seem to be able to change reality at their whim. It is most unfortunate." Teal'c frowned, his eyebrows glowering. He tossed his long dreadlocks back over his shoulder and then frowned at them as they fell back attractively about his face.

Screams echoed suddenly down the corridor as blasts hit the conference room door. The door burst open as hordes of angry Jaffa entered. "You have betrayed us to the Goa'uld!" they screamed. They grabbed Teal'c and the others and began marching them to the gateroom.

Suddenly, the Jaffa all disappeared and Daniel, Teal'c, Sam, and Jack stumbled in surprise.

"Whoa!" Jack exclaimed. "Where did they all go?"

"As nearly as I can decipher it, from discussing it with Mary-Sue at home, fan-fiction writers are able to write stories that affect our reality, stopping whenever they please to eat or go to work," answered Daniel.

"Are you telling me that we will be back in this hall, about to be dragged who knows where by angry Jaffa when this fan-fiction writer gets back?"

"Yeah, that's about it Jack." Daniel looked fatigued. "Actually, Mary-Sue is pretty helpful and maybe I should get home to her. Maybe I'll take chocolates and flowers. Hmmmm."

They all looked at Daniel in bewilderment.

"Who the heck is Mary-Sue?" Jack demanded.

Daniel started to explain, "Mary-Sue is this wonderful girl that I've been seeing. She is from England, and we love to garden and drink Earl Grey tea together. We've even thought about taking ballroom dancing lessons. You all know I've been getting bored with history… " he trailed off and suddenly looked at the ceiling and yelled. "Curse you fan-fiction writer!"

Sam suddenly fell to the floor clutching her stomach. "Owwwww," she moaned. "It feels like my appendix, but that's ridiculous, I've already had it out."

Jack picked her up and rushed toward the medical wing. "Hold on Sam, my darling. I won't let anything happen to you. You know I can't live without you." He ran down the halls, panic stricken.

"Oh, Jack, I knew you'd save me." Sam clutched him with ferocity.

Teal'c and Daniel looked at each other in puzzlement, and then ran after them quickly. Teal'c tossing his long dreadlocks as he ran. They kept hitting Daniel in the face until Daniel stopped and grabbed his arm. "Since when do you have long dreadlocks?" Daniel asked.

"I do not know, Daniel Jackson, but I worry that I may meet a young lady who likes them."

They ran on into the infirmary and stopped in amazement. Jack was on the table getting a large cut in his arm sewn shut.

"Nasty fight out there with the Jaffa, wasn't it?" he chortled.

Sam turned and looked at them with large blue eyes. "Oh, Teal'c, you know I love your dreadlocks."

Daniel looked at Teal'c and they both turned and sprinted toward General Hammond's office. As they ran, Daniel found himself holding a young English girl's hand and running with her. Teal'c ran behind him, holding Sam's hand and smiling at her in a sickening manner. Daniel stopped outside the General's door and turned and slapped Teal'c. "Get a hold of yourself, man. This is some fan-fiction's writer's evil imagination! Just hold on!"

Teal'c drew himself up, pushed his dreadlocks back slowly, and nodded. "You are correct, Daniel Jackson, but I may not be able to hold on for long." He flicked one longing look at Sam and then forced himself to turn away.

As they were about to enter the room, the base and mountain began to shake. Walls crumbled, ceilings fell, chaos reigned. When the dust settled, Sam lay unconscious in Teal'c's arms and Daniel lay trapped under a beam. The English girl was gone.

Jack's voice sounded through the dim light and dust, "Danny boy, where are you?"

Daniel coughed weakly.

Jack threw himself to his knees next to Daniel. "Oh Daniel, this is all my fault. I never should have forced you to be part of this team. If only I had been here. Oh…. Daniel."

"Shut up, Jack. Why do I always have to be the one dying and you the one filled with angst? Get this beam off me before I bleed to death like usual."

"Anything, Daniel, I'll do it. I owe you that." Jack strained against the beam in desperation.

Sam moaned dramatically. Teal'c clutched her and cried.

Suddenly, they were all sitting in the conference room, and General Hammond was passing out briefs on the recent Jaffa attack.

They looked at each other from the corner of their eyes.

"Uh, General, before we proceed, we were wondering if we could do anything about the recent fan-fiction foothold situation?" Jack raised his eyebrows.

General Hammond turned to them quickly, "Our only hope is Asgaard technology to create a containment field that will protect us." He jerked sideways and smiled widely at Janet who stepped through the door. "Ah my dear, I've missed you."

As he walked toward her with his arms wide open, he turned and hissed, "Hurry!"

Jack and his team ran for the science lab.

As they ran down the hall, Teal'c's dreadlocks disappeared and he was suddenly in armor, carrying his staff weapon. Sam, Jack, and Daniel all carried guns. The lights dimmed and the rubble faded away as order restored itself in some writer's story.

As they ran, Daniel suddenly began to look wild eyed at the rest of them. He clutched his head with his hands. "Oh no! Not the empath story again. Arghhhh! Stop thinking everyone!"

"But Daniel, no alien has come into contact with you." Sam yelled as they ran.

"It's the accursed PX3-56A fan-fiction writer alien form!"

"Leave him alone, why must you always punish Daniel! What has he ever done to you?" Jack screamed to the ceiling.

"Aghhhh, the anger, the anger. Poor Jack!" Daniel yelled.

Sam skidded to a halt at the science lab door. It was locked. "Oh no, I will not be able to solve the problem. I'm a failure." She moaned with angst.

Daniel wept. "She's never felt like she's good enough. Her father was so demanding. Her mother….." he sniffled.

Jack held Daniel up as he began to collapse against the wall weeping. "It's all right, Danny boy, I won't leave you."

"I know," Daniel wailed, "you've always felt responsible for me… you've been such a father figure to me…"

Teal'c narrowed his eyes and turned to the door. "We must hurry, Colonel Carter. The empath is becoming stronger every minute."

Daniel arched on his back on the floor in seizures. "Ahhh, the fear, the sorrow, the silliness. Nooooo, it can't be possible…"

Teal'c stepped back and began shooting the door with his staff weapon.

Screaming Jaffa came pouring down the hall toward them. "You must pay for your betrayal!"

"Not again!" Jack dragged Daniel into the science lab and they slammed the door shut and barricaded it with a desk, and file cabinets.

Daniel curled into a silent fetal position. "Betrayers." He whispered.

Sam grabbed the medical kit and pulled out a syringe. She filled it from the vial labeled, "Daniel – empath". "Hold still," she murmured and stuck it into the only part of him available.

"Yow!" he yelled, uncurling quickly.

"Better?" Sam asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Much!" Daniel leaped to his feet. "Now, how do we make a containment field?"

Teal'c and Jack kept piling more furniture in front of the door. "You better hurry." Jack gritted.

Sam's fingers flew over the keys, scanning the Asgaard records. "Ah hah! This is it! A containment vortex!"

A rustling sound caught their attention. They all spun about to see the alien vine breaking it's way out of the small glass vial on the shelf. It quickly grew up the wall and into the vents, looking for light.

"Oh great!" sputtered Jack, remembering last time. What was some writer thinking now? Tendrils aimed for the team members, wrapping across the floor toward them. Jack, Teal'c, and Daniel shot them.

"Hurry, Sam!" Jack yelled.

Sam spun about, searching the lab for what she needed. Her eyes lit, and she ran to the corner, grabbing the Dyson vacuum. "With a few modifications, the vortex will be just what I need to power the containment field!" She began pulling it apart.

"A vacuum cleaner?" Jack yelled.

"You got a better vortex field creator, let me know!" she yelled back.

Jack stopped and looked at her fondly.

Daniel smacked him on the shoulder. "Concentrate!"

"I am," Jack said smiling at Sam.

"Jack! Behind you!" Daniel yelled.

Jack spun, shooting the tendrils that curled toward him.

Sam worked frantically, dropping tools about her feet as she finished with them. Screwdrivers, soldering gun, batteries, wire, a hammer, a piece of cotton wool, three screws, a spoon, a thimble, and a bear-shaped bottle of honey.

"Colonel Carter, is it ready yet? I do not believe we can hold the vine and the Jaffa off for much longer." Teal'c shot the vine again and leaned on the door.

"Just one or two more adjustments!" she shouted back.

Daniel was looking down at a piece of paper he had just pulled from his pocket. "Hmmm, I have to pick up these groceries on the way home when we're done with all this. Mary-Sue is going to make supper." He smiled and then shook himself dropping the paper. "Not again!"

"Daniel, concentrate!" Jack shouted and then turned to look longingly at Sam.

"Oh, yeah, like you?" Daniel shot the vine at Jack's feet angrily.

They glared at each other.

"Never mind." Jack gritted.

"I've got it!" Sam gloated, throwing the switch. The containment field buzzed to life, swirling around them. The vines, papers, Jaffa, and angsty love feelings all disappeared in a moment. Even the grocery list and the Earl Grey tea disappeared, for which Daniel was extremely grateful.

General Hammond threw the door open and walked in, his cheeks covered in red lipstick kisses. "It's about time!" he exclaimed.

***

Back in the conference room, General Hammond later congratulated the team members.

"You've done well. The base is finally back to normal, protected against the whims of the dreaded fan-fiction writers. We've even found a few people who've been missing for years. Not only that, the base is virtually dust free!"

"I always thought my vacuum was capable of more then the manufacturer let on." Jack mused.

The team laughed.


End file.
